Obstacles to emotional healing: Self-Loathing

One of the most common obstacles to mental and emotional healing is self-loathing. Self-loathing is when we actively criticize, judge, reject and resist different parts or versions of ourselves. When we get accustomed to beating ourselves up or shaming ourselves it’s often because we are only focusing on our shortcomings. We become one-sided in our perspective and forget to see the good. The longer we spend counting our faults the deeper we get into a shame spiral, the less we remember to look at the bigger, fuller picture.
Self-loathing also causes us to imagine that the world judges and rejects us (projection). We project our own self-hatred onto the world. This makes us extremely sensitive. We look for proof that others feel about us the way we feel about ourselves. When we get into a self-loathing spiral we may be tempted to self punish, self abandon, self negect.
The truth is everyone has flaws and continuously beating oneself up does not help with healing, it only delays it. It causes inner conflict which can become absolutely exhausting when engaged in the long term. I’m sure you know how challenging it can be to be around someone who is always hard on themselves. It’s like watching someone attack themselves.
So please consider being patient and compassionate with yourself especially when you notice a tendency to pull yourself apart. Say out loud:
May I be loving to myself. May I willingly choose to nurture what is good in me. I am worthy of love as I am.
Consider committing to a life without self-hatred.
emotional health life coachDiana Deaver is an emotional health life coach practicing since 2015. Her work is based on depth psychology principles and she encourages a process of “peacemaking” with all aspects of the Self, no matter how terrible they may appear. She offers one on one life coaching sessions via phone, zoom or Facebook messenger. Email her at dianadeaver@gmail.com to schedule your session centered on you and your emotional healing.

 

What is a woman’s place in a modern world?

“What is a woman’s place in this modern world? I rebel against this question, though so many of my peers ask it. The inherent bias in the inquiry seems invisible to so many of them. They consider themselves progressive because they are willing to challenge many of the assumptions of the past.
They ignore the greater assumption–that a ‘place’ for women must be defined and set forth to begin with.

more “What is a woman’s place in a modern world?”

You are not broken

You are not broken! You don’t need fixing. But you might be in pain. You might have parts of you that have been neglected for a long time, that maybe no one ever showed you how to care for.

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Keep going when life gets hard

Most people naturally desire to improve and will make an effort to move in a direction of expansion and growth. We start a new habit and we usually give it our best at the beginning. We try a new tool, or a new way of communication, or a new way of being with ourselves but after a while, our enthusiasm starts to wane. We eventually get to a wobbly stage when our new venture doesn’t feel natural, it seems difficult and even uncomfortable. That is the place many of us are tempted to doubt our natural abilities. That is when we are tempted to quit and we get angry at ourselves for being so naive as to even try. The pride hurts, and the ego hurts and our disappointment hurts. more “Keep going when life gets hard”

The Comfort Zone Obsession: Personal Growth or Emotional Self Abuse?

As an emotional health life coach and I am often exposed to inspirational quotes and encouragements shared publicly by other people in the life coaching industry. One of the popular ideas that I come across is that “You have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone in order to grow”. This thought has been so popularized and regurgitated that most people accept it as being the truth without questioning it.

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The Purposeful Appreciation Practice

Today I caught myself feeling really grateful for the small black plastic trashcan in my bathroom. This made me smile. I have never before been so mindful of the good in my life as to appreciate a trashcan. To a part of me this felt like a sort of graduation.  I have been actively working on my ability to feel appreciative for everything that I am allowed to have and experience. I feel strongly called to take nothing and no one for granted. I want to fully see and feel all that has taken shape in my life. I call this the purposeful appreciation practice. Purposeful Appreciation Practice (or more affectionately called The Bliss Bubble Technique 🙂 involves making time to experience and embody appreciation for all the things and beings that positively impact a comfortable and enjoyable life experience, no matter how small the impact may be. You may ask: well, how do I know if something makes a positive impact. Here are the questions I use to help me with this:

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Learning Stillness

I have been learning about stillness from animals. They are so comfortable enjoying a moment. No expectation. No “to do”. No end goal. Just being. Content. Still. Present. Watching them fills me with awe…It seems they have a superpower of being comfortable by themselves, no neediness, no phone, no numbing, no distractions. Being present with them, watching them reminds me of my own superpower of being. It seems as if humans will do just about anything to avoid accessing this superpower of being, including me. For us,  being alone, doing nothing is often a curse. It’s painful, uncomfortable, something that must be covered, filled, changed. Yet, somehow, underneath my addiction to being busy, to “doing”, there is a deep and powerful calm. I know this peace! I remember it…I too once knew how to just be, I still do. I want to make that my practice again... Photo by me 🙂

Letting Go Of Painful Emotions

Emotional shedding is the organic process through which our emotional body lets go of repressed emotions.

There are times when things are ok and we are able to slow down. And then all of a sudden, we seem to become very sensitive and emotional without any apparent reason.  When we allow ourselves to feel our feelings, to grieve, cry or release our emotions, we often feel relieved, our breath deepens naturally and we feel lighter. I call this emotional shedding- which means that we are finally able to let go of something that was not previously allotted the processing time and attention and needed.

An example of emotional shedding that many can relate to is getting sick as soon as we take a vacation. Many find it frustrating that when we finally take that vacation we’ve been postponing for years, we end up getting sick as soon as we arrive at the destination. It’s as if the stress that has been accumulating in our body is finally ready to come out and it’s showing up as sickness. more “Letting Go Of Painful Emotions”

7 Ways Working With a Life Coach Improves Emotional Health

Working with a life coach is a highly personal experience that involves quality one-on-one time and deep meaningful inquiry. Most people who choose a life coach are not only looking for someone to partner with to relieve and heal emotional pain but also someone who can teach them how to do that for themselves. It’s a more intimate process than reading a book or doing an online course, and that’s why, when clients and coaches are matched well, profound life changes take place organically. more “7 Ways Working With a Life Coach Improves Emotional Health”

Mental Health Resources

 

NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is the nation’s largest grassroots mental health resources organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness.

Visit www.nami.org for more info.

mental health resources

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) is the lead federal agency for research on mental disorders. NIMH is one of the 27 Institutes and Centers that make up the National Institutes of Health (NIH), the nation’s medical research agency. NIH is part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). Find out more at www.nimh.nih.gov

Overgiving- Thoughts About People Who Give Too Much (article + video)

Overgiving

People who give too much tend to create value for themselves through what they have to offer to the world. The more they offer to the world and the better appreciated that is, the more valuable they feel, the more worthy of love and affection they feel. Unfortunately that carries into their everyday life where overwhelm and exhaustion begin show up, especially when they constantly focus more on other people’s needs while neglecting their own’ Over-givers are very attached to the outcome of their giving. If they’ve offered your gift or service and it’s not well-received or well appreciated, they feel resentful , lonely and unappreciated. At the same time over-givers have a very hard time receiving. They often feel uncomfortable if they can’t offer something in return. Whatever you offer them, they feel the need to reciprocate right away or find something of equal value to offer you in exchange. more “Overgiving- Thoughts About People Who Give Too Much (article + video)”

Ten Tips For End of Year Emotional Health

End of Year Emotional Health can seem very out of reach, especially since holiday season tends to be an intense time of the year for some of us. The end of the year is generally an emotional time of the year. Here’s why:

  • It’s the end of something. Nature is desolate. The weather is more dull than usual. You tend to be more aware of the passing of another year of your life and well as be faced with the expectations and desires for the following year.
  • If you’ve suffered any kind of loss recently, your heart may be tender. When our heart is tender, holiday time will be particularly challenging, an emotional marathon sort of speak. It’s like trying to run on crutches, particularly if you’re used to running away from your emotions during the year. It exhausting and you may feel guilty for not being happier. You may feel inadequate and undesirable.
  • At this time of the year we tend to both crave connection and  fear connection. we may be faced with the fear of not being good enough to be in the company of someone else
  • Because usually the holidays are a time gifts are exchanged, it may be a particularly challenging time for those who are afraid to receive.

Is it possible to manage the difficulty of the holidays? Only if you are willing to. 

If you are willing to offer yourself an easier time during the holidays  and create more end of year emotional health here are a few tips that might help:

  1. Preparation is key: just like there is a hurricane disaster relief plan, there can be a holiday disaster relief plan. Consider “donating” time and resources for your “relief”.
  2. Make several holiday allies– these are people you can reach to for support when you get overwhelmed
  3. Manage your expectations of how things should be. When you stay present and allow things to be what they are, you save yourself a lot of stress.
  4. Limit exposure to the elements: practice strong boundaries, know what triggers you and consider avoiding exposing yourself by staying away from potentially harmful situations or people.
  5. Stock up with supporting options: healthy snacks, healthy drinks, music, movies and peaceful surroundings.
  6. Have a worst case scenario plan. It can be reassuring to know that you have a plan B in case you get overwhelmed. Talk to your life coach ahead of time and get them to agree to make themselves available to you over the phone if need be. Also have the numbers of several crisis hot lines available.
  7. Count your blessings– be grateful for what you DO have. What can you notice around you that you’d be sad if it was missing? That’s what you’re grateful for.

    gratitude quote End of Year Emotional Health
    Gratitude- End of Year Emotional Health
  8. Give it over to your higher power: more than anything the holidays are about connecting with a higher source, a guiding star or a spirit we can hand our messy lives to, when we can no longer hold them. Consider surrendering your weight to be carried by “the spirit” of the holidays.
  9. Let your heart GROW IN SIZE by giving a hug, a meal or a ride to someone who has it worse than you. Consider sending a word of encouragement to someone else.
  10. Lastly, once the new year begins consider training yourself to connect with your emotions in a healthier throughout the year. End of year emotional health really depends on how much we have practiced it during the rest of the year.

In reality our happiness does not depend what we do, but what we are. What would you like to be?