One of the most common obstacles to mental and emotional healing is self-loathing. Self-loathing is when we actively criticize, judge, reject and resist different parts or versions of ourselves. When we get accustomed to beating ourselves up or shaming ourselves it’s often because we are only focusing on our shortcomings. We become one-sided in our perspective and forget to see the good. The longer we spend counting our faults the deeper we get into a shame spiral, the less we remember to look at the bigger, fuller picture.
Self-loathing also causes us to imagine that the world judges and rejects us (projection). We project our own self-hatred onto the world. This makes us extremely sensitive. We look for proof that others feel about us the way we feel about ourselves. When we get into a self-loathing spiral we may be tempted to self punish, self abandon, self negect.
The truth is everyone has flaws and continuously beating oneself up does not help with healing, it only delays it. It causes inner conflict which can become absolutely exhausting when engaged in the long term. I’m sure you know how challenging it can be to be around someone who is always hard on themselves. It’s like watching someone attack themselves.
So please consider being patient and compassionate with yourself especially when you notice a tendency to pull yourself apart. Say out loud:
May I be loving to myself. May I willingly choose to nurture what is good in me. I am worthy of love as I am.
Consider committing to a life without self-hatred.
Diana Deaver is an emotional health life coach practicing since 2015. Her work is based on depth psychology principles and she encourages a process of “peacemaking” with all aspects of the Self, no matter how terrible they may appear. She offers one on one life coaching sessions via phone, zoom or Facebook messenger. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org to schedule your session centered on you and your emotional healing.
Someone’s shadow represents precisely those things they struggle to accept. The opposite of acceptance is resistance. We waste so much time and precious mental-spiritual energy to resist parts of ourselves, while in truth, at the core of self-development is self-acceptance. Unfortunately, what we fight in ourselves, we strengthen. more “No development unless the shadow is accepted”…
“What is a woman’s place in this modern world? I rebel against this question, though so many of my peers ask it. The inherent bias in the inquiry seems invisible to so many of them. They consider themselves progressive because they are willing to challenge many of the assumptions of the past.
They ignore the greater assumption–that a ‘place’ for women must be defined and set forth to begin with.
When it comes to intimate or meaningful relationships, the way others see us tends to have a prophetic influence on us. Our lenses dictate our reality. This is one of the most underestimated laws of relationship. The more someone believes in us, the more we begin to believe in ourselves. The more someone criticizes us, the more we begin to appropriate those qualities.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~ Viktor E. Frankl
As the living units of the unconscious, psychological complexes hold the key to multiple aspects of everyday relational life: the personal, familial, workplace, and cultural aspects. By examining the theoretical work of C. G. Jung, E. Shalit, D. Kalsched, and others, supported by examples of personal and cultural complexes, this article aims to offer attenuating ways to tend to the emotions that arise from the defensive shell of a complex while encouraging a closer look to the underlying psychic split at the core of a complex. more “The Keepers of the Heart: How Psychological Complexes Impact Our Emotional Lives”…
To be emotionally available for sustainable intimacy means to be able to be present with another person, to be able to see them, hear them, communicate compassionately with them and also share ourselves in a respectful and meaningful way.
Most people naturally desire to improve and will make an effort to move in a direction of expansion and growth. We start a new habit and we usually give it our best at the beginning. We try a new tool, or a new way of communication, or a new way of being with ourselves but after a while, our enthusiasm starts to wane. We eventually get to a wobbly stage when our new venture doesn’t feel natural, it seems difficult and even uncomfortable. That is the place many of us are tempted to doubt our natural abilities. That is when we are tempted to quit and we get angry at ourselves for being so naive as to even try. The pride hurts, and the ego hurts and our disappointment hurts. more “Keep going when life gets hard”…
This article is written by depth psychology based emotional health life coach Diana Deaver and is copyrighted. Please contact Diana if you wish to publish or use this article in your own writings. Diana offers online and in-person life coaching sessions to individuals desiring a deeper exploration of their psyche. See more of her articles here and youtube here.
This article explores the Jungian archetype of the shadow and the complex of the ego from a perspective of their function as aspects of the human psyche. Within are also observed the emotional and experiential manifestation of the ego and the shadow in everyday life and how their manifestation influences the process of self-development. Depending on how it is engaged with and related to the ego can be experienced as a grounding beacon of consciousness or a controlling dictator-like force. Similarly, the shadow can be encountered as a temporary respite from what is unbearable or the repressed evil force that demands to be acknowledged. Interactions with the ego and the shadow are a normal and emotionally vivid part of an individual’s psychic life. While observing their influence with complete detachment is not possible due to their very function in the psyche, the more their dynamics are understood, the more functional the entire psychic system can become.more “A Depth Psychological Exploration of Ego and Shadow”…
Question by Dylan Hoffman, PhD: How has mythology aided your personal interaction with archetypes? Does the personification of archetypes, specifically in myth, provide access to the psyche in ways that you personally find beneficial? How you engage with myth—perhaps through ritual, active imagination, dance, prayer, art, drama, etc.—and how this deepens your experience of archetypes?
This article offers a critical view of Carl Jung’s description of the concept of the shadow as described in his essay on “The Shadow” found in Aion, CW9, II. References to the shadow found in selections of his other work will be used to compare and complete the descriptions found in Aion. Jung’s definition of the concept of the shadow will be examined both through a linguistic perspective as well as in a modern cultural context. The article will argue that Jung’s metaphor of the shadow is both brilliant in the way it suggests its principles and incomplete inadequate in the way it tends to focus on what is considered negative by the ego consciousness. The shadow is, in general, a difficult concept to define and explain, specifically to individuals who are becoming familiar with the concept for the first time. Jung’s use of the visual metaphor of the shadow is ingenious because of the similarities between the phenomena of shadow and the features of the part of the psyche he describes. At the same time, the term shadow has connotations that make the conscious attitude more reluctant to orient towards the part of the psyche it denotes.
Jungian Psychology in Great Expectations Movie (1998)
This article explores the movie Great Expectations (1998) through the lens of depth psychology in general and of certain concepts of Jungian psychology in particular. The movie Great Expectations (1998) offers a modern time story similar to the one told in the well-known novel with the same name by Charles Dickens. This article focuses on the movie alone without discussing the similarity or deviation from Dickens’ novel. Set in the United States, the movie narrates the memories of Finnegan Bell and how each experience influences his development as an individual. The main Jungian themes identified in the movie are the protagonist’s journey of individuation, the encounter with different archetypal dynamics (the death mother, the anima, the inner child), the destructive influence of unaddressed complexes and a numinous encounter with the shadow. The movie’s strong use of strong visual elements such as the color green, the strategic use of water and the repeated image of the fish, provide a mirror of its symbolic contents.
One of the things I come back to again and again in my coaching practice is self-compassion.
In a culture in which success is valued above well being, most of us end up putting an enormous amount of pressure of performance on ourselves. Performance at any cost. Self acceptance is for many foreign, unattainable or even offensive.
This article explores the effects of emotional intelligence in business interactions. The two main goals of the research here is to grasp as much as possible about emotional intelligence and the core skills involved with it and to understand the influence that developing these skills can have on an individual’s work environment. While, in general, Emotional Quotient (EQ) is challenging to measure and test, several studies were found that successfully recorded its impact in the professional world. The evidence collected from the manuals, articles and studies suggests that indeed Emotional Intelligence (EI) is not only a skill that can be sharpened in time but EI skills can actively contribute to four key areas of influence in the professional setting: better business relationships, increased efficacy of business teams, improved leadership development and higher adaptability to change. It was also apparent from the literature studied that EI is becoming a required core competency in the business world. Even though the field of EI is, in general, gaining more and more interest from researching institutions, there are many aspects of EI that need further exploration and understanding.
You know you’re pushing yourself too hard and you begin exhibiting chronic stress symptoms: overwhelm, exhaustion, emotional volatility, absent mindedness, constant internal pressure and unavaialbility to your loved ones.
As an emotional health life coach and I am often exposed to inspirational quotes and encouragements shared publicly by other people in the life coaching industry. One of the popular ideas that I come across is that “You have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone in order to grow”. This thought has been so popularized and regurgitated that most people accept it as being the truth without questioning it.
I know you are overwhelmed and scared and lonely. I know you are questioning your worth, your enoughness and your lovability. I know you are frustrated with what you see as yet another thing at which you think you are failing. more “Letter To Someone Who is Having a Hard Time”…
Today I caught myself feeling really grateful for the small black plastic trashcan in my bathroom. This made me smile. I have never before been so mindful of the good in my life as to appreciate a trashcan. To a part of me this felt like a sort of graduation. I have been actively working on my ability to feel appreciative for everything that I am allowed to have and experience. I feel strongly called to take nothing and no one for granted. I want to fully see and feel all that has taken shape in my life. I call this the purposeful appreciation practice. Purposeful Appreciation Practice (or more affectionately called The Bliss Bubble Technique 🙂 involves making time to experience and embody appreciation for all the things and beings that positively impact a comfortable and enjoyable life experience, no matter how small the impact may be. You may ask: well, how do I know if something makes a positive impact. Here are the questions I use to help me with this:
I have to admit that when my compost-loving, spunky brunette friend asked me to share my thoughts about the times when humans are afraid to care, my immediate thought was… But are we? Are we indeed afraid to care? Yes, it’s true, many of us are. But not all of us. There are also many of us who aren’t afraid to care. This article is for those who may have a twinge of fear ping into their hearts anytime they contemplate making an emotional investment. Because that’s what caring implies: an investment of mental, emotional and physical energy into a nurturing relationship. In this article, I will specifically address the fear of caring for our planet, and how this fear stems from deeper love avoidant characteristics.
I think it’s pretty safe to say that most of us would love to be good enough for everybody all the time. And we probably all have examples of times we were told we were a disappointment or when we couldn’t seem to be good enough for certain people no matter how hard we tried.
Speed, efficiency, energy, power. We all desire them. But they are not always innate, for most of us they are practices that must be learned and developed. And because life comes in opposites and paradoxes, many of us have began to recognize that power is not possible without powering down.
At the beginning of this year as part of my resolution making process, I decided to stop blaming others for my unhappiness. In particular, I gave up “man bashing”. You probably know what I’m talking about- man bashing is that thing women do when they get together and go about finding faults in the opposite sex. And I’m not trying to bash women for bashing men here- I get it- it feels good to find a culprit and take him through the court trial where our best friends are the jury. For a second- it gives a sense of power, false power. But just like glazed doughnuts give you a brief 30 seconds of pleasure, the real cost of that comfort is way too high to choose it every day. See, for me, this unspoken cultural standard of punishing our loved ones by exposing their perceived faults to our friends, is a highly effective relationship damaging technique that I no longer want to apply to my life. The problem with finding fault with others is that, in time, you get good at finding fault in general and then eventually that becomes a way of living- looking for someone to blame.
I have been learning about stillness from animals. They are so comfortable enjoying a moment. No expectation. No “to do”. No end goal. Just being. Content. Still. Present. Watching them fills me with awe…It seems they have a superpower of being comfortable by themselves, no neediness, no phone, no numbing, no distractions. Being present with them, watching them reminds me of my own superpower of being. It seems as if humans will do just about anything to avoid accessing this superpower of being, including me. For us, being alone, doing nothing is often a curse. It’s painful, uncomfortable, something that must be covered, filled, changed. Yet, somehow, underneath my addiction to being busy, to “doing”, there is a deep and powerful calm. I know this peace! I remember it…I too once knew how to just be, I still do. I want to make that my practice again... Photo by me 🙂
Emotional shedding is the organic process through which our emotional body lets go of repressed emotions.
There are times when things are ok and we are able to slow down. And then all of a sudden, we seem to become very sensitive and emotional without any apparent reason. When we allow ourselves to feel our feelings, to grieve, cry or release our emotions, we often feel relieved, our breath deepens naturally and we feel lighter. I call this emotional shedding- which means that we are finally able to let go of something that was not previously allotted the processing time and attention and needed.
An example of emotional shedding that many can relate to is getting sick as soon as we take a vacation. Many find it frustrating that when we finally take that vacation we’ve been postponing for years, we end up getting sick as soon as we arrive at the destination. It’s as if the stress that has been accumulating in our body is finally ready to come out and it’s showing up as sickness.more “Letting Go Of Painful Emotions”…
Working with a life coach is a highly personal experience that involves quality one-on-one time and deep meaningful inquiry. Most people who choose a life coach are not only looking for someone to partner with to relieve and heal emotional pain but also someone who can teach them how to do that for themselves. It’s a more intimate process than reading a book or doing an online course, and that’s why, when clients and coaches are matched well, profound life changes take place organically.more “7 Ways Working With a Life Coach Improves Emotional Health”…
NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is the nation’s largest grassroots mental health resources organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness.
The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) is the lead federal agency for research on mental disorders. NIMH is one of the 27 Institutes and Centers that make up the National Institutes of Health (NIH), the nation’s medical research agency. NIH is part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). Find out more at www.nimh.nih.gov
People who give too much tend to create value for themselves through what they have to offer to the world. The more they offer to the world and the better appreciated that is, the more valuable they feel, the more worthy of love and affection they feel. Unfortunately that carries into their everyday life where overwhelm and exhaustion begin show up, especially when they constantly focus more on other people’s needs while neglecting their own’ Over-givers are very attached to the outcome of their giving. If they’ve offered your gift or service and it’s not well-received or well appreciated, they feel resentful , lonely and unappreciated. At the same time over-givers have a very hard time receiving. They often feel uncomfortable if they can’t offer something in return. Whatever you offer them, they feel the need to reciprocate right away or find something of equal value to offer you in exchange. more “Overgiving- Thoughts About People Who Give Too Much (article + video)”…
End of Year Emotional Health can seem very out of reach, especially since holiday season tends to be an intense time of the year for some of us. The end of the year is generally an emotional time of the year. Here’s why:
It’s the end of something. Nature is desolate. The weather is more dull than usual. You tend to be more aware of the passing of another year of your life and well as be faced with the expectations and desires for the following year.
If you’ve suffered any kind of loss recently, your heart may be tender. When our heart is tender, holiday time will be particularly challenging, an emotional marathon sort of speak. It’s like trying to run on crutches, particularly if you’re used to running away from your emotions during the year. It exhausting and you may feel guilty for not being happier. You may feel inadequate and undesirable.
At this time of the year we tend to both crave connection and fear connection. we may be faced with the fear of not being good enough to be in the company of someone else
Because usually the holidays are a time gifts are exchanged, it may be a particularly challenging time for those who are afraid to receive.
Is it possible to manage the difficulty of the holidays? Only if you are willing to.
If you are willing to offer yourself an easier time during the holidays and create more end of year emotional health here are a few tips that might help:
Preparation is key: just like there is a hurricane disaster relief plan, there can be a holiday disaster relief plan. Consider “donating” time and resources for your “relief”.
Make several holiday allies– these are people you can reach to for support when you get overwhelmed
Manage your expectations of how things should be. When you stay present and allow things to be what they are, you save yourself a lot of stress.
Limit exposure to the elements: practice strong boundaries, know what triggers you and consider avoiding exposing yourself by staying away from potentially harmful situations or people.
Stock up with supporting options: healthy snacks, healthy drinks, music, movies and peaceful surroundings.
Have a worst case scenario plan. It can be reassuring to know that you have a plan B in case you get overwhelmed. Talk to your life coach ahead of time and get them to agree to make themselves available to you over the phone if need be. Also have the numbers of several crisis hot lines available.
Count your blessings– be grateful for what you DO have. What can you notice around you that you’d be sad if it was missing? That’s what you’re grateful for.
Give it over to your higher power: more than anything the holidays are about connecting with a higher source, a guiding star or a spirit we can hand our messy lives to, when we can no longer hold them. Consider surrendering your weight to be carried by “the spirit” of the holidays.
Let your heart GROW IN SIZE by giving a hug, a meal or a ride to someone who has it worse than you. Consider sending a word of encouragement to someone else.
Lastly, once the new year begins consider training yourself to connect with your emotions in a healthier throughout the year. End of year emotional health really depends on how much we have practiced it during the rest of the year.
In reality our happiness does not depend what we do, but what we are. What would you like to be?
My name is Melanie, and I’m a motherer.
This is something I’ve recently come to realize and admit about myself. Yep, I’m just a big, smothering, overbearing mother when it comes to romantic relationships.
You’re hungry-let me make you something to eat. You don’t feel well-let me get you a blanket and stroke your head. You had a bad day-let me hold you and make it better. When does being a caring partner turn into becoming someone’s mom? If this is something you find yourself contemplating, this may be a warning sign that you’re parenting your romantic partner.
“when spirit becomes heavy it turns to water” – Carl Jung (Collected Works, Vol 9, p.1, para. 16)
After having recurring dreams or visions of large waves crashing over me, or my home, as well as real-life occurrences of flooding in my city and even neighborhood, I decided to do a little bit of research into this phenomena. It turns out this is a common occurrence for many people. The meaning we give things is very personal, so whatever water symbolizes for you personally may be very different than what it symbolizes for anyone else. My intention in this article is to offer a starting point for a personal exploration of what this symbol may hold for you. For this purpose, I offer a number of questions to consider with each of these potential interpretations. I hope they stir curiosity for you and invite you to look deeper into your own mind and heart.
Water as a Metaphor of the Unconscious
Dreams and visions often emerge spontaneously. Both Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud, the fathers of depth psychology and psychotherapy, believed that the unconscious part of the mind is the place of origin of such images. According to Jung, “water is the commonest symbol for the unconscious” (Collected Works, Vol 9, p.1, para. 40). The unconscious is the part of us that is unknown to us, which is still under a sort of mystery. Because of the unconscious, we maintain the ability to surprise ourselves every now and then, we do things we didn’t know we were capable of, we say things we later don’t know where they came from. Because the flooding is so massive, intimidating, and overpowering, we could therefore see it as a symbol of our consciousness being overpowered by our unconscious. What we are unaware of in ourselves is invading our consciousness. This could mean that an inner complex is taking hold of us and that further inner work is necessary.more “A symbolic meaning of flooding…”…
What if I told you that self sabotage is actually a way you take care of yourself? Maybe not the best way you can take care of yourself, but certainly one way you can. Let’s take a deeper look. more “Self Sabotage”…
The first time you begin examining your life is the beginning of your spiritual practice. You will notice a need to do it again and to deepen your exploration each time. A spiritual practice involves anything that has to do with the spiritual aspect of your life-all that is unseen, all that is felt at a core level, the intangible, the unexplainable. more “What is a Spiritual Practice?”…
Our feelings are a precious and powerful life navigation system because they point us to what we need, what brings fulfillment and aliveness as well as what is harmful or draining. When we listen to our emotions we can more easily recognize what is important to us, what we are called to, and what we need to let go of. more “What is emotional numbness and how to get in touch with your emotions”…
“You’re not good enough”- how many times a day does the judge in our minds want to point that out?
As human beings fear is something we will constantly be experiencing. We at some point we all fear that we may not be good enough for something in our lives. How we react to our fear determines how we live our lives. more “Understanding the fear of “Not Good Enough””…
Could it be that every emotion we have is neutral? That there is no such thing as a negative emotion or a positive emotion. Our reaction to our emotions is what can be called negative or positive, rejection or attraction. Could it be that emotions choose us as opposed to us choosing them? Does anyone decide to fall in love or out of love, does anyone reach for sadness or grief?
We have all seen the ultra-popular advice of “love yourself”. It’s so easy to say that to someone. But many of us have no idea what that even means. We have rarely been given the model of self-love or been taught by example. And that’s because self-neglect is often more common than self-love is. For many of us, the idea that we “should” be loving ourselves more can have the opposite effect. It can create even more internal pressure or expectations. We might feel guilty or defective. “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I love myself more?”